Back in May I participated in PDX Squared. It was a birthday present to myself: to dedicate 24 hours to pure, creative photography. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a really neat event in the city that anyone can participate in. This year there were 100 photographers (professionals and hobbyists) and everyone was randomly assigned a “square” within city limits. Mine was a several blocks around the N. Williams Avenue corridor. We had 24 hours to shoot any kind of images we wished. After 24 hours the images were submitted into five different categories and then judged before a live audience.

Going into the contest I had very low expectations. I wanted to participate for the sake of art and photography. I saw it as an opportunity to grow a little bit as an artist, to challenge myself to create images for the sake of creating images. It felt a bit like a fun art school exercise and I was excited just to see how it worked and to be a part of something bigger than myself in the local photography community.

When I was shooting for my project, She Inspires 365, I got really good at street photography. Before I had children I had the time and creative energy to walk around the city, or wherever I was traveling, and approach people who I thought looked interesting and might have a powerful story to share. I worked through my fears of talking with strangers and being vulnerable about my work. It built confidence in myself and my photography. Taking pictures has always felt like an intuitive activity for me but apparently, it’s easy to get out of practice in certain aspects of it. It’s hard to take photography of people because you need to have some relationship with the person to take a good portrait (at least that’s my opinion about that). And walking around that day of the contest I just couldn’t bring myself to approach anyone about what I was doing. So I walked the streets and took photos of bees, bicycles and urban landscapes. Then I found the Wishing Tree.

The Wishing Tree is on N. Williams in someone’s front yard. But there’s a clear invitation to come onto their property, write a wish and hang it on the tree. There are thousands of wishes written on little manila slips of paper blowing in the breeze. There was a little boy and his parents there and I snapped a few photos. But I wanted more. So the next morning my husband and I piled the kids in the car and drove back to the tree. I took pictures of my own children making their wishes. That is my current comfort zone: telling a story through pictures. I thought it was really sweet. Then of course my daughter wanted to nurse so we sat down and had “milky”. I have been snapping photos of us breastfeeding since she was born so I decided to shoot a few more. The lighting was lovely and the colors were all complimentary with our clothes and the flowers in the background. These are the kinds of images I’ve been taking for the past few years since becoming a mom: family photography, breastfeeding in public, documentary style portraits of children and motherhood.

Afterwards we bought the kids cookies for helping mom with her contest and then went home for nap and quiet time. I had a couple hours left before the end of the contest so I went back out by myself. I really wanted to see if I could find something “more powerful” to submit. I came across an event at a church near the Wishing Tree — women were sharing their stories of addiction at an AA meeting and it was open to the public. The stories were amazing, the women’s voices powerful and authentic. I wanted so badly to photograph them and share their stories. This was the kind of work I used to do — traveling around the country documenting the stories of women living on reservations, women who were battling addiction and mental illness, women who were survivors of rape and domestic violence. But for several reasons I couldn’t do it. I felt like I would be taking advantage of them for my own benefit. And I had no confidence in myself to think they would be interested in what I was doing. It seemed so small in comparison to the kind of pain and struggle they were sharing.

So I left feeling empty handed and went to the judging feeling a little like a failure. I submitted the sweet photos of my kids and one of me breastfeeding. This is how much my confidence has been worn down these past few years. I have come to think of my work as “less than” because it has to do with motherhood. It’s not powerful National Geographic-type work, or high fashion or commercial. It’s just me and my family and my camera.

The judging began and it was so exciting and intense. Having my work up on a big screen in front of hundreds of people and having three professionals who I greatly respected talking about it was really thrilling and nerve wracking. When they got to the series category the photos of my kids at the Wishing Tree immediately went through to the final round. It went up against a beautiful series of people holding polaroid portraits of themselves and a wacky set of images of a woman and a person in a rabbit costume. In the end my photos won the category and I was blown away. I won some prizes and took some deep breathes. I thought I was going to leave early (this thing was going way past my bedtime) but with that win I decided to stay and support the photographers participating in the other categories. My goal of feeling like part of a community was met.

Then the portrait category was judged. There were beautiful portraits of people fencing, fashion photography, street photography and I thought there was no way my selfie would make the cut. But it won! I could not believe it. In that moment I learned something so important and remembered something I had totally forgotten — motherhood is the most powerful and important job on the planet. Why was I minimizing the connection between a mother and her child? Probably because it was me, for sure. If it wasn’t me I probably would have had more confidence in the image. But anyway, it was such an important experience for me.

I need to remember to value myself and my work. I may not have as many clients as I want right now but I have something more important: two wild little humans who look up to me and who love me. And I have time with them during the young years of their life. I have a family. And one day soon they will both be in school and I’ll have the time and energy to grow my business back up and to hopefully help support my family with my work again. But for now I can keep taking photos of what matters most and allow myself to grow as a photographer through that intimate and personal experience.

I’m grateful to PDX Squared and the judges for reminding me to believe in myself and to not undervalue the power of motherhood and the importance of children making wishes.

This was my third art exhibit opening night and it was such a sweet evening. I know I’m doing good work when the people who show up for an opening night event make up such a dreamy, loving group of women and families as was present last Thursday. I felt completely relaxed, which is unusual for me during such things. And I’m so grateful to everyone who was there and to those who were supporting me from afar.

The evening could not have happened without many people working together. Most instrumental was Louisa Lakos, my dear friend who has been there for me at almost every major event in my adult life, helping to make it possible. Without her, there would not have been a show. (People would have arrived to find me passed out on the floor among a disheveled pile of prints as my children ate snacks next to my unconscious body.) Louisa set aside the entire day to help me organize the images and display them in a way that was thoughtful and looked good. She helped wrangle my children, did a Costco run, and managed all the event food. The day before the show went up my family and I were traveling back home from the east coast. I should have been a mess by the end of the day, but she kept me sane, supported, calm and focused. Her soul is gold and she embodies the very meaning of generosity.

I’m also grateful to Daniele Strawmyer at Ready Set GROW. She has such an inspired vision for her community space and I’m so lucky to have had the opportunity to show my work there, where so many mamas and families spend quality time. She’s created such a beautiful atmosphere and I deeply appreciate her commitment to artists who are also parents. My kids spent most of the day there running around and playing with her daughter. I decided to leave them at home for the evening event, but many people who attended did bring their children and it was wonderful. Becoming a parent has taught me that not everyone values the presence of children. Daniele does and it makes our community a better place to be.

I’m also thankful to my children for not stepping on any of the prints on the floor as they ran around the studio space. And for being patient (as patient as a 2 and 5 year old could be) as it took me over 5 hours to put up the installation. We stopped only a couple times for “milky” but otherwise they mostly played together and let me work. I think in the end they decided mom’s work is a little boring and they were happy to stay home with dad that evening.

And I could not do my work without the unwavering support of that man, Tom. He is an amazing partner and I’m deeply grateful he is so committed to this feminist movement and has been 100% supportive of me breastfeeding in whatever way I’ve been most comfortable.

This project has been funded by the Regional Arts and Culture Council (RACC). They are committed to supporting working artists and provide funding to make our dreams a reality. This is the third project grant I’ve received. It’s such an amazing process to be able to see an idea in my head become something I can share with my community. I’m so thankful for their support.

Last but certainly not least is this: I could not make any of this work in a vaccum. It is only possible because of all the mothers and children who agreed to participate in this project. You have let me into your lives to photograph this really personal act and I’ll be forever grateful to you for your trust in my ability to share your story in a way that makes you feel seen. Each one of you teaches me something new and inspires me with your perseverance, power, beauty and generosity. Thank you so very much for being on this journey with me and thanks to so many of you for being there last week. Seeing you at the space with your little ones, worlds colliding, some of you I haven’t seen for a while — it was all truly heart warming and motivating to me to keep going. When doing projects like this it’s easy to misplace the inspiration that started it all (especially as a working mama). Knowing that all of you are happy with this work and believe in it too means so much to me.

Thanks so much to the friends and women in the project who were there! In no particular order Tara, Bonnie, Caitlin, Dee, Morgan, Michelle, Sandra, Rebecca, Mauricio, Eva, Ileana, Britney, Amber, Demetra, Megan, Kyla, Caylin, Stan, Daniele, Jade, Carrie, Elise, Kristen, and all the families who joined you. Thank you thank you!!

And thank you to all of you who would have been there if you could. Your love and support could be felt from afar!

Finally this: the installation will be up at Ready Set GROW until the end of August. We are planning to host a closing night party and possible artists talk. That information will be announced soon. I also had a dream with my friend Eve Bernfeld of creating a Story Circle event in the space while the work is still up. That will be announced soon if we can pull it off.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

Thank you so much RACC! This would not be possible without your funding.

Worlds colliding!! My dear friends Caitlin and Michelle. You both have such brilliant spirits that shine so bright! I love you all!!

Special thanks to Mauricio Valadrian for the group photo!

PDX Squared 2019

Thank you for celebrating Breastfeeding in Real Life!